Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
