Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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