we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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