God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
