Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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