Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
