I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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