guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
