what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
