dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
