he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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