I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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