apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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