I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
