she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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