I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
