There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
