I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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