I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
