4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
