Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
