Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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