he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
