Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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