My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
