census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
