I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
did i walk over a car last night?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
