Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
