Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
