Can i not drive my cunt home
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
