On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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