Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
