Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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