I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
