i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she woke up with a sticky ear
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
