my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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