he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
