woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
