Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
