Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
