Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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