Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
