I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The beer is more important than you right now.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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