we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
