My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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