i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
