This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
