It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
