I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
