Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
